My Blog, the promise to myself.

My name is Priscilla King and I am 24 years old and I have been diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia (among a handful of other diagnosis) but I am still unable to cope with the past or accept that I will have it for the rest of my life. 

Since I was an early teen I have said that one day I will write an Autobiography and maybe someone will read it and it will help them through what they are going through in their life. Even if it is just only one person. I may not know it all and my life isn't even close to perfect. I struggle every day but the time has come where I need to tell my story hoping by letting it all out and exposing all my dark and buried memories of the past, that I learn to cope and accept this gift of terror. 

I am going to use this blog to help channel the thoughts inside of my head into something that I have to look back on while writing my book and as I write more I will publish something on here that will hopefully be inside of the book. 

My very first post, just moments ago was what I hope to be the "Intro" because of what takes place. It is the most important piece of my puzzle that creates me and gives you an inside look on what it was like to hear the first voice I ever heard that I couldn't control and wasn't my own.

Every post I post, whether it be a piece to the book or a piece of my life now, is all just....

...... Par for the course in the life of a Paranoid Schizophrenic 

In the beginning there was once a precious life....

.....Out of know where, that precious life that was that of a little 7 year old girl, who had so much to live for, was given a gift. The gift was that of terror and torment. In the years to come she would quickly realize that this gift was actually a horrible curse that she would never be able to escape.

That day was unlike the others, so fragile and innocent in her beloved hometown church's chapel, alone, she stood looking at the cross in awe and beauty. A mind so pure was changed into something terrifying and she couldn't make it stop.

She was scared and didn't know or understand why, suddenly, she was hearing 'thoughts' inside of her head that wasn't her own and ones she couldn't make stop. It was the voice of an older middle aged man, a voice that no matter how much she wanted to forget how it sounded, as she grew older it would taunt her into a spiral of guilt, shame, fear and hate.

She stood there hoping it would stop, that he would just go away! He was saying things so terrible, things that no precious child should ever be subjected to hearing.

"God isn't real! Go kill people!" he screamed inside of her head.

"Why am I thinking these things? I don't think that! I love God!" she cried inside of her head back to the man. 

She was a very religious girl, she loved God and loved all those that God created. She never questioned God's existence or even fathomed the thought of hurting someone, let alone killing someone. Fear came over her and she didn't know what else to do, so she told the Pastor of the church what she was hearing and asked for help.

"Block them out and ignore them, it'll be ok!" The pastor told the frightened little girl.

She would take this advice, but as her brain grew, one day the advice given to her only a mere 3 years prior would stop working and this gift of terror would turn into the worst curse she could ever imagine. 

That little girl, just only 7 years old, had no idea what the future had in store for her or what she would do in her life and she will always remember that day it all started, in that church. That was the day that was to paint the picture of her life.  

It wasn't too long before she realized she was going to have to battle this demon for the rest of her life and have a living hell inside of her head. That little girl would come to discover, after some time, that this gift of terror had a name and it was called Paranoid Schizophrenia.

That little girl was me and this is my story thus far........

I could only wish!!!!

"I AM TRYING TO BE WHAT YOUR'E DYING TO SEE!!!!"

Sometimes I really just want the whole world to see the messed up side of me and live inside my head for just 2 minutes. Just so they can REALLY KNOW what kind of LIVING HELL I deal with on a day by day, minute by minute basis. Just maybe then they will see that I mean it when I say I swear I don't mean to do all the incredibly ridiculous things and act so fucking psycho.

"If I could take all this pain away, use the rage of our youth today
Whose to say that it's you to blame??
It's the people above you, the ones who say that they love you.
Look what the world has come to! So now it's time to say "Fuck you!"
If you they care then they drug you, and no ones there when they numb you.
Fill you with terror and crush you, pretend they care as they shove you.
So you look to me to find the truth and what I say is what you do but everyone you look up to is really as fucked up as you!!
Time is getting shorter with these enforced disorders and we get blamed and pushed around......
So whose the fucking villain now?" (Hollywood Undead - Pain)

I can't take letting everyone down because I can't seem to win my own battles on the inside let alone all the battles it takes to beat my inner beast!! People only see what is presented on the outside and they establish opinions and feelings from what they see... But what happens when all the things on the outside are really only just one deeply elaborate lie to cover up all the terror that is inside. How can anyone believe when one is singing praises to you, when all you know is that deep down there is a darkness the will never leave? 

Sure you can say "Oh you just need to find happiness within yourself." That's the twist... I have a loving boyfriend of 5 years and a beautiful daughter and they make me the happiest person in the world but the demon inside is a sick and twisted Mental Health Illness that will NEVER go away. Sure drugs muffle the terror and lesson the torture but it never is fully gone. I can still hear them inside my head! 

 "Would she hear me if I called her name Would she hold me if she knew my shame????

There's always something different going wrong!! The path I walk's in the wrong direction. There's always someone fucking hanging on. Can anybody help me make things better????!!!!! 

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me. Her conscious calls, her guilty to come home" (Bullet for my Valentine - Tears don't fall)

Why must I live with this forever? Why is this my hand in life? So many questions on why it was me that was given the demon that is inside. I may never have an answer but accepting that it is 'forever' is the first thing to do to start moving forward, which ironically is the LAST thing I 'actually' want to do to. Why is it that I have to accept that crap? 

I am sure that is something that a vast majority of those diagnosed with a lifelong mental illness has questioned. It's not easy to accept that the ONE thing you wish more than anything that you could change.... Won't ever go away. 

We just need someone, anyone, to be there when everyone else walks away. Everyone needs just one person to 'actually' give a fuck about them! 

Life will get better one day, but for now, it's all about how to just survive the day.