I could only wish!!!!

"I AM TRYING TO BE WHAT YOUR'E DYING TO SEE!!!!"

Sometimes I really just want the whole world to see the messed up side of me and live inside my head for just 2 minutes. Just so they can REALLY KNOW what kind of LIVING HELL I deal with on a day by day, minute by minute basis. Just maybe then they will see that I mean it when I say I swear I don't mean to do all the incredibly ridiculous things and act so fucking psycho.

"If I could take all this pain away, use the rage of our youth today
Whose to say that it's you to blame??
It's the people above you, the ones who say that they love you.
Look what the world has come to! So now it's time to say "Fuck you!"
If you they care then they drug you, and no ones there when they numb you.
Fill you with terror and crush you, pretend they care as they shove you.
So you look to me to find the truth and what I say is what you do but everyone you look up to is really as fucked up as you!!
Time is getting shorter with these enforced disorders and we get blamed and pushed around......
So whose the fucking villain now?" (Hollywood Undead - Pain)

I can't take letting everyone down because I can't seem to win my own battles on the inside let alone all the battles it takes to beat my inner beast!! People only see what is presented on the outside and they establish opinions and feelings from what they see... But what happens when all the things on the outside are really only just one deeply elaborate lie to cover up all the terror that is inside. How can anyone believe when one is singing praises to you, when all you know is that deep down there is a darkness the will never leave? 

Sure you can say "Oh you just need to find happiness within yourself." That's the twist... I have a loving boyfriend of 5 years and a beautiful daughter and they make me the happiest person in the world but the demon inside is a sick and twisted Mental Health Illness that will NEVER go away. Sure drugs muffle the terror and lesson the torture but it never is fully gone. I can still hear them inside my head! 

 "Would she hear me if I called her name Would she hold me if she knew my shame????

There's always something different going wrong!! The path I walk's in the wrong direction. There's always someone fucking hanging on. Can anybody help me make things better????!!!!! 

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me. Her conscious calls, her guilty to come home" (Bullet for my Valentine - Tears don't fall)

Why must I live with this forever? Why is this my hand in life? So many questions on why it was me that was given the demon that is inside. I may never have an answer but accepting that it is 'forever' is the first thing to do to start moving forward, which ironically is the LAST thing I 'actually' want to do to. Why is it that I have to accept that crap? 

I am sure that is something that a vast majority of those diagnosed with a lifelong mental illness has questioned. It's not easy to accept that the ONE thing you wish more than anything that you could change.... Won't ever go away. 

We just need someone, anyone, to be there when everyone else walks away. Everyone needs just one person to 'actually' give a fuck about them! 

Life will get better one day, but for now, it's all about how to just survive the day.